Beyoncé Knowles and I have sooo much in common. For instance, we've both ridden on airplanes. Both of our mothers' names end in a. She is married to Jay-Z; I am married to J.B. Clearly, we are kindred spirits. So it stands to reason that I am more than qualified to introduce the singer to motherhood and give her some of my best advice.
1. After you have your baby, you'll still be expected to run your fashion line, because a working mother's day job doesn't hit the brakes simply because she's given birth. This is a perfect opportunity to launch the clothing trend we all need: Bedazzled-panel non-maternity pants. While you're pregnant, you'll find that the stretch panel on your pants is so comfortable that you'll never want to wear regular trousers ever again, but that panel is crazy-fugly. So while you're looking for something to do during your maternity leave while the baby naps, please get rolling on this idea. You can branch out into jeggings, hot pants, and even chaps!
2. Your dance training will come in handy at 3 a.m. while your baby is crying, but despite all evidence in your oeuvre, it may not behoove you to wear heels. Not so much for comfort, but because night after night a crying baby will make you want to jam a stiletto into your own eye. It's just better for your physical being to keep the weapon out of reach. A yoga ball nearby is way more useful. When you're tired of bouncing on your feet, you'll need to bounce on your booty ... licious.
2A. Sorry for that. I had to.
3. You have lustrous, gorgeous, shiny hair. I realize you have an entire beauty team to address your tresses, but even so: You will not want said hair to look like it's been pulled out of your head and you do not want it to smell like breast milk/formula/vomit when you are on the red carpet. When at home, embrace the ponytail.
4. If you are having a boy, paint his nursery with washable paint and do not hang expensive wallpaper next to the changing table. Your son will pee on the wall. This is not a "what if" scenario. There is an actual 510 percent chance of this happening. (Note: I think you are having a girl.)
5. At around week five, your baby will still be a bit of a larva but be getting very close to starting to engage with you. Even so, you will feel like there is a cloud floating in your ears. Look for ways to relate to your offspring that will carry you to the first smile around week eight, which is when the fog lifts. For instance, onesies are technically just very practical leotards. Go from there.
6. Lullabies are sadistic. Babies fall out of trees, weakened spiders fight nature to fruitlessly struggle up water spouts. You're better off singing your own songs. You already have a song called "Baby Boy," so really, you have a 50 percent chance of your own music being right-on. You've already done a duet with your husband — what could be cooler for a kid? — and your child won't know until later that in the "Crazy in love" video, Jay sets fire to your car. "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" is the perfect video for your little one: Babies respond to black-and-white images and awesome dancing. And then you have "Halo," a song about an overwhelming, blissful love. I think "I found a way to let you in / But I never really had a doubt / Standing in the light of your halo / I got my angel now" is a bit of a perfect lullaby, don't you? (Also, "Irreplaceable" is a really inappropriate song for a lullaby because you're telling your ex that he's nothing special and kicking him out the door, but it's really good, so you can sing that one if you want to.)
7. Parenthood involves preparing for the unexpected: packing an extra change of clothes, bringing brand-new toys onto a flight to stave off boredom. This preparation is not limited to your child's infanthood. You can expect that your and your husband's celebrity will both be a help and a hindrance to your offspring's social development. Just in case it's a hindrance, make a list of effective comebacks for your son or daughter to use every time he or she is called Destiny's Child. This will be helpful for you as well, because it will come up in interviews.
8. I don't know what it's like to dive off a yacht in St-Tropez, but it seems nothing short of delightful. I can guarantee you that the first time your child smiles at you is way better than that yacht. Have a camera with you at all times to catch those moments, and to catch the images that you think you'll never forget but that Mommy Brain will forget for you. This also might be the first time you will actually find the paparazzi a bit handy, in case you don't have a camera on you.
9. You and Jay have been together a long time and you seem very happy. You've wisely established the relationship between just the two of you, and now you're ready for an addition to the Z-Knowles unit. Make sure to have regular date nights to stay connected, even if it means you just have a nice candlelit dinner in a wing of the mansion that you don't use very often.
10. You have the immense fortune of being extremely successful, wealthy, and beloved by your fans. If you step out of the public eye for a while to be with your baby, we will still be here when you come back, ready to shake some booty of our own. Your priorities will change when you have your baby, and that's more than OK: It's essential. Enjoy every minute — especially the first three weeks home from the hospital, which are so easy to forget but are so very magical. You've had otherworldly experiences in your life, experiences most parents will never know or understand, and right now, you're getting ready for the very best one. Here's to love!